Ramblings of a Survivor
Friday, October 4, 2007
I’m on the front porch with my computer following a rain. It is one in the morning. Strangely, there are several frogs croaking all around me. Luckily, they only do it periodically.
It is
seven weeks since my operation to clear scar tissue out of my urethra. I haven’t written since then. I don’t really know why. Perhaps, after several setbacks, I was afraid to write that the operation worked, that I can pee normally, that I no longer need a catheter.
In my three week follow-up visit to the doctor I thought we would be officially announcing that I was home free from urinary blockage. I thought that three weeks after an operation I could feel secure that the scar tissue wouldn’t recur.
Unfortunately no. The doctor said it doesn’t work that way. So I watched and waited. Every time I peed I watched for a weak stream or a split stream. Thoughts about frequency and retention have been my constant companions.
Now after seven weeks I am gaining confidence. I think I can soon throw away my collection of catheters and urine bags. I’ve started exercising again. People are telling me that I look good. I had the energy to give several workshops in September and was able to make some very good money.
Life is good again but it will never be the same. I think a lot about Eric, Bob, Don, Jim, and the many others who have been on this trip with me. We all know that some of us will get hit again. We know that no matter what it was like this time, that it could be much worse. We have all been working on our own ways of dealing with that.
Most of the men I have grown to know will never be the same again. Most have varying levels of impotence or incontinence to deal with along with their fears of recurrence. These things change men in ways that they had not foreseen.
How have I changed? Physically, after an extra operation and several months of challenges, I think I am past the blockage and incontinence issues. I have some problems with erectile dysfunction which may or may not improve with time. That is an adjustment for me and for Mary Anne.
I have become much more aware of my own mortality. I am more determined to make an impact before I die. I have become a go-to person for a number of people who are facing medical challenges. I am more aware of those who are suffering. I have learned more than I care to know about the inadequacies of our medical systems. I have seen, first hand, how difficult it is for many people to adjust to their new lives after medical trauma. Most importantly, I have found what I want to do with the remainder of my work life.
It is late and I am tired so I will wait until another day before I share my vision of what I will be working on for the coming years.
I will say this. I believe I have found a way to have a needed impact on a lot of peoples’ lives. I believe I have found a way to make a difference.
